Relationships and communication

What are relationships?

A relationship is a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection).

Relationships can be a sharing of thoughts and feelings, they can be spiritual, physical or sexual and they can be task or work-related. Relationships can vary according to the generation a person has been born into (e.g. parent/children, grandparent/grandchild) and change over time according to a person’s expectations and needs.

Relationships have varying degrees of significance and commitment to each person involved and are affected by the life stage a person is in.

Types of relationships

• Couple
• Companionship
• Intimate
• Friendship
• Family
• Peer
• Professional

The couple relationship

This topic will focus on the couple relationship. The couple relationship is often the main relationship in people’s lives; it is the basis of a family and is often an economic unit. It is in the couple relationship that most people first learn about adult love, about negotiation, about how to change and how to compromise.

The phases of a couple relationship

In love…

The first phase of a relationship is usually exciting, intense and enjoyable. Commonly known as the ‘rose-tinted glasses’ phase, this first phase is when each person feels tingly when they meet or touch (whatever their age), can’t wait to see each other, and make light of any differences between them. The hormones are working overtime and it is a time when powerful bonding occurs, a basis which may carry you through more testing times in the future.

Recognising differences…

This next phase can occur within a short period of the relationship commencing, or not for a year or two. Each person becomes more realistic about the other and more than ‘lover’s tiffs’ may occur. It is important during this time for the earlier experience of being in love to be remembered, to assure you that your relationship will survive.

I want to be me…

This is when each person demands less of each other and respect for the other’s need of their individuality and own lifestyle is recognised. The relationship seems to coast along, as you feel comfortable that the relationship exists and you can get on with your work, interests outside the home and other aspects of your life, such as parenting.

When each person is happy within themselves, then what they bring to the relationship will assist in making it happy also.

Together by choice…

As relationships mature over time, each person needs to maintain a strong sense of themselves, in order for them to develop greater intimacy and a deepening relationship with their partner. This is vastly different to the intimacy formed in the earlier part of your relationship. 

As a couple, you move from being ‘in love’ to ‘loving’. You are choosing to be together, to be dependent and intimate at times, rather than needing to be together.

What makes a good relationship?

Most people have very personal definitions of what a fulfilling, intimate relationship is for them. Some of the things expected in a ‘couple relationship’ are:

• love;
• intimacy and sexual expression;
• communication;
• commitment;
• equality and respect;
• compatibility; and
• companionship.

Most couples will experience problems in one form or another – this just comes with sharing your life with another person. The difference between relationships that work, and those that do not, is how well, as a couple, you deal with the challenges and problems you face in your life together.

The first step towards creating a happy, healthy relationship is your own willingness to work at it.

Relationships demand many things of us, and as we grow these demands will change – we need to be willing to change with them.

What does a good relationship need?

Ask your partner to write down the five qualities/needs that are most important for them in a relationship. Have a look at their list and see which of the needs you can do something about, and which you need to negotiate with your partner.

Do the same yourself. Then talk about each other’s relationship needs. It is essential for each partner to try to understand and respect the other person’s needs.

Intimacy in a relationship

Successful relationships need a balance between the conflicting needs of independence and togetherness.  In a relationship, whilst maintaining your independence, you may also want to be close to someone, to know you are valued and accepted for who you are and matter deeply to someone else – this is intimacy.

Intimacy develops over time and strengthens how we feel about ourselves, reassures us that we matter deeply to someone, and enables us to face the world with greater confidence.

Intimacy is important in relationships, but not always easily achieved.

Intimacy involves being able to share the whole range of feelings and experiences we have as human beings with another.

You can work towards achieving greater intimacy in your relationships by:

• letting down your guard;
• letting your partner know how you feel;
• accepting and sharing your partner’s ‘inner world’ of feelings and experiences;
• being there when your partner wants to let down their defences;
• saying “I love you”;
• giving comfort and reassurance, as well as allowing yourself to receive it; and
• being open to discovering new and deeper levels of intimacy other than sex.

You may need to address some barriers to intimacy, including:

• lack of communication due to a fear of ‘looking silly’ or being rejected;
• unresolved emotional differences as a result of lack of trust or appreciation, hurt, anger or resentment of one partner by the other; and
• practical difficulties like money worries, pressure at work, concern about children’s behaviour, or being to busy to connect with each other.

Relationships and change

It is important to realise that most relationships will change over time as people change. What each person brings to the relationship will consequently change it too.

Change can be seen as something that is positive.

Three types of change can occur in relationships:

1. Changes in the pattern of the relationship, for instance when one person is away from the family, is exposed to different experiences and grows at a different rate to the other.
2. Changes caused by the stage of life a couple have reached – ‘the milestones and hurdles’ of committed relationships, for example when children arrive or one partner retires.
3. Changes caused by the unexpected events that can occur in anyone’s life, such as the death of a family member.

Changes caused by the unexpected events that can occur in anyone’s life, such as the death of a family member.

How  you adjust and cope with changes in your relationship will determine how the relationship itself will change.

Milestones and hurdles

As changes occur in a relationship, practical lifestyle changes are invariably necessary.

Partners to parents

The birth of a couples’ first child creates changes in the relationship. More attention and energy goes into the child than into each other, sometimes leaving the door open for resentment and hurt to creep in. Communication patterns established earlier in the relationship are important in overcoming any difficulties encountered. Ensuring that you take some ‘time out’ for yourselves is vital in maintaining your loving relationship.

Adolescence

When children reach adolescence, as parents you are faced with your children’s sexuality and greater independence. Couples may re-examine their own relationship, looking at how satisfying it is for both of them emotionally and sexually. This stage raises questions about the quality of the relationship and whether it is strong enough to continue once the children leave home. It may be a time, if you have drifted apart, to either separate or re-fresh your commitment to each other and enhance your intimacy.

Adolescence is a time of questioning for parents as well as adolescents!

Retirement

Another milestone to adjust to is retirement from working life. With people living longer and retiring earlier, there is a longer period for a relationship to be lived in retirement. Practical issues, such as housing and finances must be considered, as well as how you will spend your time, both separately and together. It is a time for re-negotiating how the relationship will work, and unless this is discussed and sorted out, you may become disappointed, withdrawn and unhappy.

Some questions to consider at retirement:

• How will you spend your time?
• How much time will you spend together and how much time apart?
• What joint interests will you have, and how much will each partner pursue their own interests?
• How will decisions be made now that finances may be more restricted?
• How will the domestic chores, from which there is no retirement, be shared?

Unexpected changes

No one knows what the future holds. Unexpected changes can present a challenge or threat to your relationship. Some examples, as frequently experienced in military life, are regular interstate moves, leaving the family and being sent to a place of conflict, as well as financial difficulties, substance dependency, illness, injury, disability or death.

Whatever the event or change, you need to talk about it with your partner and adjust to your feelings about it. By sharing your thoughts and feelings, you will have a greater sense of control over the changes which occur, and you will more easily adapt to each new stage of your relationship as it comes along. 

When is a good time to get professional help?

Advice or extra skills can often assist.  You don’t need to wait until there is a problem before speaking to someone about your relationship. A relationship requires maintenance just like a car does – don’t wait until the brakes fail before you seek professional help.

If a relationship has some of the early warning signs, it is time to seek advice.

Warning signs might include:

• abandonment of joint activities;
• recurring arguments which are never resolved;
• an affair; or
• feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

Sometimes issues may be too complex for you to deal with by yourself and seeking assistance from a qualified counsellor may help adjusting to any changes and moving forward. 

A relationship counsellor acts as an independent guide to help you talk through things.

Counsellors can help you sort out what the problems are and help you find ways to mend your relationship.

The sooner that you act on issues the easier they will be to resolve.

When a relationship is over

If a couple is unable to resolve their issues and conflict escalates, separation may be necessary. Ending a relationship is a traumatic time for everyone involved, and often anger and frustration can intensify.

Sometimes threats, coercion, violence and abuse may occur as one person takes out their anger and frustration, in order to get a partner to stay, or come back. Safety is paramount during these times – seek professional assistance and support if it is needed.

Tips on how to build a great relationship

• Talk to each other. Your partner cannot read your mind, no matter how much they love you. Be clear about what you want to say and listen carefully to your partner.
• Spend time together.
• Make your relationship a priority. Balance the time you spend at work or at other activities with the time you spend working on your relationship.
• To feel good about your relationship you need to feel good about yourself. Work on developing your self-esteem.
• Make room in your relationship for differences. Value the differences in each other.
• Relationships are flexible. Let yours grow and adapt with you.
• Set goals for your relationship. Plan for your future life together.
• Try not to judge, criticise or blame each other.
• Arguments happen – resolve them with respect.
• Be sexually considerate of each other. Be affectionate and have fun. Remember your sex drives may be different.
• Be attentive and romantic. Remember how it was when you first met. Keep the hugs, flowers, chocolates and love letters coming.
• Express and demonstrate your commitment to the relationship. Have fun and regularly celebrate the things you enjoy in your life together.

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Communication

What is communication?

Communication allows the exchange of thoughts; verbally (speaking), or non-verbally (body language, sign language, touch or eye contact).

Communication can be:

• Facts – ‘I got a pay-rise today’.
• Opinions – ‘I reckon overtime will be cut soon’.
• Feelings – ‘I’m really scared of being laid off’.

Why is communication important?

Communication is important in relationships as it allows you to share interests, aspirations and concerns; support each other; organise your lives and make decisions; and work together in caring for children.

No matter how well you know and love another, they cannot read your mind. You need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger or confusion.

Effective communication

Effective communication occurs only if the receiver understands the exact information or idea that the sender intended to send.

When you talk to your partner, try to:

• think about what you want to say and what you are feeling when you say it;
• be clear about what you want to communicate;
• convey your message so that your partner hears it accurately and understands what you mean; and
• talk about what you want and feel. Use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I need’, ‘I want’ and ‘I feel’.

Are you a good listener?

A good listener is someone who:

• keeps comfortable eye contact;
• leans towards the other person and makes appropriate gestures to indicate interest and concern;
• has an ‘open’ position – fairly relaxed posture, with arms and legs uncrossed;
• faces the other – does not sit or stand sideways
• sits or stands on the same level to avoid looking up to or down on the speaker;
• avoids distracting gestures, such as fidgeting with a pen, glancing at papers, tapping feet or fingers;
• is genuine when interest and attention are shown;
• does not finish the sentence of others;
• does not answer questions with questions;
• lets the other speaker talk and does not dominate the conversation; and
• plans responses after the other person has finished speaking – not while they are speaking.

Communication is more than just talking

When you communicate you can give a great deal of information without using words, by body posture, by your tone of voice, and the expression on your face. These non-verbal means of communicating can tell someone how you feel about them. If feelings don’t fit with the words, it tends to be the non-verbal communication that gets heard and believed.

Try saying “I love you” to your partner in a flat, bored tone of voice without looking at them, and see what reaction you get!

To deliver the full impact of a message, use non-verbal behaviours.

Eye contact

Eye contact signals interest in others and increases your credibility. It can convey interest, concern, warmth and credibility.

Facial expressions

Smiling is a powerful cue that transmits happiness, friendliness, warmth and liking. Facial expressions can make others more comfortable around you and will want to listen more.

Gestures

If you fail to gesture while speaking, you may be perceived as boring and stiff. Gestures help to capture the listener’s attention, makes the conversation more interesting and facilitates understanding.

Posture and body orientation

Numerous messages can be communicated by the way you talk and move. For example, leaning forward communicates to listeners you are approachable, receptive and friendly. Crossing arms in front of the chest indicates the opposite.

Speaking with a turned back or looking at the floor or ceiling should be avoided as it communicates disinterest.

Learning to improve your communication

Open and clear communication can be learned. Some experiences or topics may be difficult to talk about, as they can be mindful of uncomfortable feelings or events. By learning some strategies, communication can be improved.

To improve the way you communicate, start by asking the following questions:

• What things cause conflict between you and your partner? Are these things because you are not listening to each other?
• What things cause you disappointment and pain?
• What things don’t you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
• How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?  

If possible, ask these questions with your partner and share your responses. Consider and try ways to communicate differently.

When you become more aware of how you communicate, you will be able to take more control over what happens between yourself and your partner.

While it may not be easy at first opening up new areas of communication can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

How can I encourage my partner to talk more openly?

Each person must first accept responsibility for their own feelings. Start being honest. This is at the heart of good communication.

To encourage more open communication:

• set aside time for both of you to talk;
• talk about what is happening and how it affects you;
• try to tell your partner exactly what you are feeling and thinking, even if it might upset them;
• don’t forget, change can be painful and scary – let your partner know that you understand this;
• listen to your partner – put aside your own thoughts for the time-being;
• try to understand his/her intentions, needs and wants;
• state what you want; and
• negotiate.

Fair fighting

Marriage and living together involves two people being together in a relationship for up to 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, year in, year out. There is a great deal of physical closeness as they eat, sleep and share the same house together.

Some conflict in a relationship is inevitable but it is important to ‘fight fair’. Conflict may occur, and may indicate that some change is needed to keep the relationship healthy.

If conflict has a purpose, then instead of asking “how can we avoid conflict?” you should ask “how can we manage not to hurt each other or our relationship when we have a row?”.

It is important to ask “how can we learn from the conflict?”

Avoiding conflict could mean avoiding important issues which would be better faced and sorted out.

Further information