Men as Carers

One man's story: A veteran's perspective

Caring for my wife - one digger's story

All carer situations are different. I would like to share some of the experiences I have had since becoming my wife's primary carer. At the time I did not realise that my role as husband and partner in life was heading towards being a full time carer. The situation evolved and crept up on us very gradually, almost without myself and my son and daughters noticing. It eventually became more noticeable to me as my share of the household responsibilities grew and grew - it got to the stage where I could not ignore the fact that there was something wrong with my wife.

Outside the front gate there is a small pothole, driven over at least twice a day, no one notices it until the day comes when it has become big enough to break an axle.

The role of the carer generally begins in one of two ways:

1. It can begin as the result of an accident or diagnosed illness. In this situation, the problem is recognised immediately and steps are taken to provide assistance for both the carer and the caree.

2. The carer role can also creep up on you gradually, almost without you realising it. One partner gradually contributes less to the shared household responsibilities and becomes more dependent on the other/s for help with activities of daily living.

I think the second situation is more common, with the caring role developing gradually and with very little (if any), acknowledgment of the change of roles within the relationship. Many people who find themselves in the caring role do not associate the gradual deterioration of their partner to the fact that their partner may be suffering from dementia.

You may be able to make excuses and exceptions for their behaviour such as being tired or stressed but eventually you need to accept that those subtle changes in your partner need a professional health assessment. Getting your partner to accept that something is wrong is hard.

I had a lot of trouble convincing my wife to see our GP because it was hard for her to accept that maybe something was wrong other than just being tired. Household chores of washing, cooking, shopping and cleaning became my sole responsibility. These proved challenging as I had to work out simple things such as using the washing machine, doing the shopping and preparing meals for both of us. My wife had always been 'in charge' of the household chores even though I had always shared them. I even found myself taking on more and more responsibility for my wife's personal hygiene.

My social life became severely limited as my wife began to need more and more supervision. As the dementia progressed she had a tendency to wander. I couldn't leave her alone and was constantly worried about her wandering off and getting lost. Even shopping trips were difficult, as I could not spend long away from home.

If there is a tendency for the caree to wander, eventually the carer will become virtually housebound with doors being locked. Any nurse will know how quickly a patient can disappear.

I felt like each minor incident was another straw on the donkey's back. I often wondered which straw would be the one that broke it.

My wife insisted the problem was only temporary and rejected all medical advice for as long as possible, but I had to accept the advice we had received from the doctor that I was my wife's carer and adapt my lifestyle to suit.

I soon realised that when the need to be cared for has not been consciously recognised - the situation can be stressful and lead to arguments - with the carer feeling very frustrated and the caree very confused and distressed. It is only when a problem becomes evident that the carer suggests seeking professional help from a doctor.

As time progressed, fewer visitors would call and I became increasingly frustrated, withdrawn and housebound. My wife's condition continued to deteriorate and arguments would leave her distressed and me frustrated.

The day finally came when I could not spend another day in the house, so with the help of the local community nurses I arranged to have my wife go into respite care. I went on a short holiday 'out of town'.

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In retrospect

If you think you might be becoming or are your partner's primary care giver, you should talk to your family and your doctor and find out what help and support is available for you and your partner. The sooner the better. Caring for your partner is manageable - you just need some support and help so that you can make sure you look after yourself as well.

Be open to comments from workmates and friends. Initial signs of my wife's dementia were noted by workmates and friends 4 years before we reached the point where I had to place my wife in respite for my own health's sake.

If you know someone who you think may be starting to deteriorate, approach their partner/family and mention your concerns - it will help them a great deal to become aware of the problem and take action.

Provide them with information about caring and tell them that there are services they can contact for help. Make them aware of the importance of support and respite for the carer because without support and 'time out' your role as carer will sooner or later affect your health and wellbeing.

There are many ways to have respite from the caring role such as:

1. In home care for a few hours per week to allow you time out.
2. Befriend volunteers services that may allow you a few hours of respite.
3. Day centres that will provide a social outing in a supported environment for the caree and much needed time out for the carer.
4. Family and friends.

Knowing that I wasn't the only one noticing changes in my wife's behaviour would have helped me in a number of ways, including being able to acknowledge the problem and seek support and help earlier. For most blokes, their partner has looked after a lot of things for them for a long time so switching roles can be hard. Knowing where to go for help and that you have the support of others is a big start.

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