Being a digger and a bloke
Grief and loss
Acknowledgment:
The source of the following information on Grief and Loss is GriefLink (www.grieflink.asn.au), a resource developed by the National Association for Loss and Grief (SA) Inc and the Department of General Practice of the University of Adelaide.
The information on their website has been compiled, developed and reviewed by a broad range of professionals and consumers with knowledge and experience in the area of loss and grief.
About grief
Grief is the reaction people have to any loss in their lives. It includes a wide range of responses which vary with each person, the type of loss and its meaning to them, and their particular circumstances and experiences.
The death of a significant person in one's life is a major loss but grief can be felt about many losses.
Examples include:
- The ending of a relationship
- Moving or migrating
- Losing a job, health, a pet, a role in life
- Giving up something that mattered a lot
- Losing a dream.
Secondary losses
One loss can cause other secondary losses. These others may only become clear as time passes and may include:
- Loss of income
- Changed roles in the family
- Loss of the family home
- Loss of a planned future.
A loss, or something associated with the loss, may cause recurrent or on-going grief.
Many things can be mixed up in people's experience of loss and change and add to a sense of confusion. There can be good aspects or feelings as well as the pain and difficulties. Sometimes even changes that were wanted, such as a promotion, can also result in losses.
Grieving
When people grieve they are coming to terms with what has changed in their lives. At the same time, they are beginning to find new ways of going about their lives to cope with the gaps that the loss has created. This takes varying periods of time. The length of time is affected by things such as the significance of the loss and what other things happen to the person. It is not unusual for grief to be felt over an extended period of time, even up to several years.
The body's response
Although each person will grieve in their own way, there is a general pattern. Following a loss, the person first may be stunned or distressed with the shock. The human body releases chemicals, such as adrenalin, in response to shock. These are to help with thinking, alertness and coping with pain. The person may have physical reactions such as sleeplessness, difficulty in sitting still or concentrating, loss of appetite, tummy upset, or even chest pains (which should be checked by a doctor). Often people can feel numb or as though they are on 'automatic pilot'. They may do normal activities but not feel connected to the real world. Doing some physical activity may be helpful.
Thoughts and feelings
People experience a whole range of thoughts and feelings. These can be all mixed up together and even quite opposite to one another, for example, relief, guilt, laughter, anguish, anger. This storm of emotion comes and goes over time and varies with individual people as they are confronted with reminders of what they have lost and mourn for this. Loss of self-esteem and confidence are common.
Initially
In the beginning, most people have a sense of disbelief which they usually give up over time. Seeing the body and having a funeral play a part in how this happens. The fact that people often cannot believe that it has really happened can be useful in protecting them from being overwhelmed by such a huge change in the way they have expected their life to go on.
Three to four months after the death
This may be a particularly low time. Society's expectations are that bereaved people should be over their grief by this time and should be back to normal. But this is when the reality of the death is sinking in. The chemicals that support the body after a severe stress are starting to wear off, and the support of friends is dropping away. So bereaved people are often going through a very painful time emotionally when there is least support.
Coping
Most people will find they automatically expect past things to happen again, and may have a need to keep some of these going for a while. But gradually most people begin to face the gaps in their daily lives and struggle to cope with the differences. They start to create a new life for themselves often while the old life and the person who was so much part of that life are mourned. Usually, this whole journey takes a large amount of effort, emotion and energy, but this may not always be seen. Sometimes they do not look after themselves and they may have little energy to reach out for what they need. Interested listening and practical help may be useful.
Later
But the confusion and pain should get less. Most people start to recognise they are having more frequent and longer times when they feel more energy and hope. They often recognise they have successfully survived a difficult time in their life and feel stronger. They may notice their memories are not as painful for as long, although this pain may never go away altogether. The length of time it takes to make this adjustment varies a lot, beginning in the early weeks and perhaps lasting up to several years.
Coping with grief
Many people feel such intense emotional pain following a death that they wonder if they can survive. It may be hard to believe in the early days, but the pain does ease and thoughts about the person who has died become more comfortable and the happy memories are treasured.
Bereaved people may wonder how to get through their grief. The grief process is like a journey running from the starting point of bereavement to a new life. Progress is made through grief as the feelings are worked through. Freud called this grief work.
Some strategies for dealing with grief
Grief time
Some people find it helpful to spend fifteen to twenty minutes alone every day. They put on the answering machine so they won't be disturbed. This time acts as a safety valve. In it they deal with any emotions they have stored up during the day.
There are different ways of grieving at these times: thinking, crying, praying, meditating, writing or drawing, talking to the dog!
Some people like to keep a diary. They write down their feelings and the memories of the loved one. They can then see how their grief changes over a period of weeks and months. This is proof of progress. If the diary is kept in a safe place the written memories become precious in the future. Alternatively some people feel more comfortable with pictures or diagrams.
Many people feel less alone by also grieving with other family members, including the children.
Tears
Many people find crying a relief. Rather than being an indication of weakness, tears are often a sign of strength and show that the bereaved person is prepared to work through their grief. Some people find it difficult to cry, and yearn for tears to release their grief.
Enlisting help
The process can seem long and lonely, so many people find someone whom they can confide in, for example, a relative or friend. Doctors or the local community health centre may be able to help in this way, or refer bereaved people to a specialist grief counsellor. Some people find the experience of another person who has been through a similar situation invaluable, and so contact a support group.
Some other useful strategies
- Live one day at time
- Do something special for yourself every day
- Do NOT make any major decisions, such as selling the house, in the first year if possible
- Talk to a caring friend, pastor or counsellor
- Join a bereavement support group
- Read books on grief
- Write letters to the person you have lost to express your feelings or as a way of saying goodbye. You can then keep these in a safe place, or bury them under a bush you plant in their memory, or scatter the pieces in a significant place
- Keep a journal as a record of your own journey of grief
- Create a memorial for the person who died: plant a tree, create a memory book or photo album. Children often like to collect items for a memento box
- Commemorate the person you lost on special days, such as birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day. Light a candle, drink their favourite bottle of wine, talk about them. Then go and do something special for yourselves - you deserve it! Plan these activities with the rest of the family.
Self care
Self care is important to prevent further stress to the body. The following have been found to be helpful in coping with grief:
- A regular daily routine. Have set times for getting up, meals and going to bed
- A balanced diet. Include: breads and cereals; meat, fish and dairy products; fruit and vegetables
- Avoid too much coffee and tea to help you sleep at night
- Outdoor activities, such as going for a walk or gardening take you away from the stress, and refresh you mentally
- Exercise, such as swimming, walking and team games, will produce chemicals called endorphins in the body which help to counteract depression and make you feel good. The exercise does not need to be strenuous. If you have doubts about your fitness consult your doctor
- Relaxation: meditation, massage, music
- A relaxing pre-sleep routine: winding down before bed and not watching television
- Avoiding seeking relief through alcohol, smoking, medication and other drugs
- Consulting the doctor about physical symptoms, for a blood pressure check, for practical help, for medical certificates, and for help with the grief.
Be patient, tolerant and gentle with yourself as you grieve.
Where can I go for help?
It is important to seek professional help when you feel overwhelmed by your grief or memories. No one has to bear it all alone. There is help available.
- Contact your local GP
On the web
GriefNet - is an Internet community consisting of more than 30 e-mail support groups and two websites. This site is very much oriented toward helping those who are grieving. Includes a comprehensive bookstore listing with titles related to many types of loss. Also includes the Griefnet newsletter and a page for memorials:
Reach Out: Factsheet. Suggestions for managing grief. Things that may be helpful while grieving. Managing grief can be really hard. This factsheet has some suggestions that may help you to get through this time: http://text.reachout.com.au/visible/factsheet/suggmangri_20020326.html
Further reading
- A Handbook for Grievers
Contact: Peddey E, Paddick L, Bereavement Recovery and Educational Consultants, 75 Commercial Road, Port Adelaide SA 5015 - Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy
Worden W, Routlege,1991 - How to Break Bad News/I Don't Know
What to Say
Buckmann R, Johns Hopkins University Press, 1993 - Living with Grief After Sudden Loss:
Suicide, Homicide,
Accident, Heart Attack, Stroke
Kenneth JD, Hospice Foundation of America. Washington USA.,
ISBN:1-56032-578-X, 1996 - Stuck for Words
Zagdanski D, Hill of Content, Melbourne, 1994 - The Anatomy Of Bereavement
Raphael B, Basic Books. New York, USA. ISBN: 0-465-00290-0, 1986 - Treating Stress in Families
Figley C R, Brunner/Mazel, Inc., New York, USA. The Psychosocial Stress Series
Contact information
NALAG (South Australia) Inc
26 Daphne Street
Prospect SA 5082
Phone: (08) 8305 9670
Fax: (08) 8344 1070
Phone: (08) 8411 3124 (message service)
Website: www.arthritisnsw.org.au
E-mail: nalagsa@anglicare.sa.org.au
NALAG (Victoria) Inc
PO Box 214
1025 Mt Alexander Road
Essendon Vic 3040
Phone: (03) 9351 0358
Fax: (03) 9351 0802
E-mail: info@nalagvoc.org.au
Website: www.nalagvic.org.au
Free Call Country Victoria: 1800 100 023